Wonderful Resources to Support Parents of Gender Non-Conforming Kids

One of the most fascinating (and anxiety inducing) aspects of parenting is the front row seat you get to seismic cultural change. It’s nothing new - each new generation experiences the world slightly differently than their parents, leaving the older generation befuddled by what they see. Of course as parents we have many lessons to impart on our children based on our life experience, but what happens when our culture shifts so dramatically that we find ourselves, as parents, forced to rethink our understanding of norms that had previously seemed immutable?

This seems to me (and anecdotally to every other parent I talk to these days) to be the case with the cultural shift that is happening around our understanding of gender. The experience of gender fluidity and the conversations that go along with it have likely been going on for as long as humans have been around. In hundreds of cultures around the globe the existence of a third (even fourth or fifth) gender is an accepted part of the society - not all cultures see gender as binary.

And still, in our western world, it’s hard to deny the sudden increase in visibility of the topic of gender identity in our media - whether it’s social media, television, news coverage or advertising. Many young people are seeing gender as a spectrum with more identities and expressions than the familiar binary of male and female. And many view gender identity as distinct from sexual orientation. Well before they begin to think about sexuality, many kids are raising questions and new ideas about gender identity.

A couple of weeks ago I stumbled across an opinion piece in the Washington Post entitled “Does Your Kid Want to Change her Pronouns? Read This.” The journalist, Tracy Moore, is grappling with the new social and emotional life that her 11 year-old daughter finds herself in now that she is back in school after almost a year and a half of virtual education. Quite suddenly her daughter is bringing up conversations about gender identity, sexual preferences, and lots and lots of talk of pronouns. She has very real and legitimate questions, genuine curiosity and a healthy dose of confusion.

For Moore, and many parents like her, this new reality her daughter is experiencing is not merely just another phase or episode to be taken lightly, knowing that “it will pass.” No, this feels like a very real cultural shift in our understanding of self and identity and kids need our generation to get on board and navigate this journey alongside them for their wellbeing and growth.

After reading the article, I promptly reached out to Tracy, to tell her how much her op-ed had resonated and we got into a discussion about how useful it would be to gather up a list of the most highly recommended resources for both parents and kids who are navigating this world of changing norms, customs and language. Tracy had put together a great list of books that she sourced from various friends and colleagues. So I got to work reaching out to my friends, acquaintances, family members and any one else whom I thought might help me curate a list of the most helpful and trustworthy online resources.

Below is the beginning of this list. My hope is that the list will continue to grow with input from readers. Some of the books have been read by us, some have not, all of the resources have been vetted by people we respect and trust.

Lastly, as I am a cisgender woman with children who identify as cisgender boys (at least for the moment). So farI come to this topic as ally and as a second hand observer. But, as a Digital Media Wellness educator, I see a place for the work I do around kids and digital media to interface with this important issue. As an ally and an advocate, I am happy to be a conduit for this information and I just want to thank and give a shout out to all the amazing parents who took the time to share these favorite resources.

Book recommendations compiled by Tracy Moore:

For tweens/teens re: pronouns, identity and consent. Including nonfiction, memoir, YA, and middle-grade fiction (including graphic novels). These recommendations were provided by Stephanie Appell, Associate Editor, children’s & YA, BookPage and Maddie, a bookseller at Skylight Books in Los Angeles.

PRONOUNS:

A Quick & Easy Guide to Queer & Trans Identities

A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns

“Both written by queer people and accessible for all ages,” says Maddie.

HISTORY/IDENTITY:

Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out

Pride: The Celebration and the Struggle

The go-to book about LGBTQ+ history for this age. It got a revised edition and a new title in 2020.

CONSENT:

A Quick & Easy Guide to Consent

GENDERQUEER MEMOIR:

Gender Queer: A Memoir

“Comics are a great medium for telling queer stories,” says Maddie. “I loved this beautiful, thoughtful YA graphic memoir.”

GENDERQUEER POC/IMMIGRANT POV:

Beyond the Gender Binary

“I like how this book approaches genderqueerness from a POC/immigrant perspective,” says Maddie.

ADDITIONAL middle-grade FICTION recs:

The Lumberjanes graphic novels series by Mariko Tamaki

George by Alex Gino (features gender transition in middle grade)

Both Can Be True by Jules Machias (this middle grade novel features a genderfluid character)

Obie is Man Enough by Schuyler Bailar (features a trans boy character)

The Prince and the Dressmaker

“This graphic novel is about a trans prince. So heartwarming and perfect for 11 year olds,” says Maddie.

Anna on the Edge by AJ Sass

(features questioning gender identity; trans character). A new Sass book is coming soon, ELLEN OUTSIDE THE LINES. (depicts nonbinary characters and a character with autism)

Ashley Herring Blake IVY ABERDEEN'S LETTER TO THE WORLD, THE MIGHTY HEART OF SUNNY ST. JAMES and HAZEL BLY AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA (three middle grade novels with LGBTQ+, trans and non-binary characters)

Online Resources compiled by Julia Storm

to Support and Educate Parents, Tweens and Teens:

A quick word about the Instagram section of my list. In general I do not advocate for allowing young kids and even young teens on social media without adult supervision. There is enough research at this point showing the very real ways in which Instagram in particular can have devastating effects on young people’s self-esteem leading to intense anxiety and depression.

That said, it is also clear that for people who are in the minority, for those who do not see others who look or feel like them represented in their immediate surroundings or in the mass media, social media can feel like a life-line. As the saying goes, “ you can’t be what you can’t see.” Social media offers up a space for trans, non-binary and gender expansive kids to connect with others on the same journey and to see positive and inspiring representations of what life can look like for people like them.

Ok, on to the list....

https://genderspectrum.org/

“If you are a parent looking for support, a young person looking to connect, a professional interested in learning best-practices, a faith leader seeking resources, or anyone who wants the most up-to-date and accurate information about gender and youth, Gender Spectrum can help.”

https://raisingmyrainbow.com/resources/

The website of Lori Duron, the author of Raising My Rainbow: Adventures in Raising a Fabulous, Gender Creative Son. This website chronicles her journey, offers resources, articles and more. “RaisingMyRainbow.com has more than one million readers in 173 countries, including gender studies students and faculty at more than 50 college and universities in the U.S., Canada and the U.K.”

https://itgetsbetter.org

“In 2010, Dan Savage and his partner, Terry Miller, uttered three words that would give rise to a global movement -It Gets Better. A wildly successful social media campaign was born, with more than 70,000 people sharing their it gets better stories to provide hope and encouragement to young LGBTQ+ people.The It Gets Better Project is a global non profit that reaches millions of young people each year through inspiring media programming, educational resources, international affiliates in 20 countries plus the United States, and access to an arsenal of community based service providers.”

https://pflag.org/

With over 400 chapters across the country--provides confidential peer support, education, and advocacy to LGBTQ+ people, their parents and families, and allies. PFLAG chapters are in communities in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and Puerto Rico. With 200,000+ members and supporters crossing multiple generations of families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas, PFLAG has been saving lives, strengthening families, and changing hearts, minds and laws since 1972.

https://www.them.us/

Them. An online magazine. “...a next-generation community platform, chronicles and celebrates the stories, people and voices that are emerging and inspiring all of us, ranging in topics from pop culture and style to politics and news, all through the lens of today’s LGBTQ community.”

https://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/lgbtq/

Parents Magazine’s LGBTQ+ Families Blog. “Read the stories and advice of families within the LGBTQ+ community. Resources for parents, caregivers, and chosen family allies of LGBTQ+ kids and for LGBTQ parents navigating and celebrating this family dynamic.”

https://www.mykidisgay.com/

“My Kid Is Gay is a first-of-its-kind digital presence, inclusive of videos, advice, and resources, dedicated exclusively toward helping parents understand their Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, and Asexual children. My Kid Is Gay sources voices from across the world to help answer the many questions that parents (and family members, and even teachers!) have about the LGBTQIA young people in their life, including advice from parents, youth, and experts on a variety of topics related to sexuality and gender identity.”

https://amaze.org/

AMAZE envisions a world that recognizes child and adolescent sexual development as natural and healthy, a world in which young people everywhere are supported and affirmed and the adults in their lives communicate openly and honestly with them about puberty, reproduction, relationships, sex and sexuality. AMAZE harnesses the power of digital media to provide young adolescents around the globe with medically accurate, age-appropriate, affirming, and honest sex education they can access directly online—regardless of where they live or what school they attend.

https://www.drlauraanderson.com/

I first heard Dr. Laura Anderson on Debbie Reber’s Tilt Parenting Podcast (Tilt is an excellent resource for parents raising’ differently wired’ kids!). I was blown away by Dr. Anderson’s depth of knowledge and empathy. “Dr. Anderson provides in-person and video-health individual, child, teen and family therapy to families navigating challenges in their lives with school, anxiety, relationship challenges, autism, adoption-related issues, LGBTQ+ issues, and international living.” She also has excellent online classes on her website that are very affordable!